Americans are good at being everybody's friend. They want to talk to you, even if you're a complete stranger. From the waitress bringing their steak, to the cashier at the grocery store, they will always ask, "How are you?" I love this about Americans. We want to be friendly to everyone we meet. What I never realized before I left, was that it often only goes ¼ inch deep. I can talk to a stranger for 10 minutes about the movie that came out last week or the crazy weather we've been having, but I'd better not start to tell them about about the year I've had. The look on their face turns to fear if they think they'll have to emotionally invest. Keep it casual folks!
I just came from a place where you don't smile at people you don't know. You don't stand politely back and let them go ahead of you--you shove them out of the way and jam your elbows into ribs in an effort to give yourself the 30 second advantage. The difference is, when you break past those barriers and get to know someone, you go straight to the heart. Once someone becomes your friend, they are there for life--whether you like it or not. It is not a casual thing. Soon they're coming over uninvited, eating your food, asking you all kinds of personal questions you never wanted to answer, and borrowing your things. They are no longer your friends, they are your family and it's forever. I love the deepness, and the closeness those relationships contain despite the lack of personal space or privacy.
It came as a shock to me that the American way seems so foreign. I grew up in this land. I should know how it works. Yet I was annoyed and surprised as people asked, "How are you?" as they walked past without pausing to hear the answer. I am used to my friends coming over without calling, when I'm in the middle of eating dinner, plopping down on my couch, and not leaving. They spend 6 hours finding out how I am, instead of 3 seconds. They know all my quirks, from my habit of using hyperbole in every sentence to my crazy need to be better than everyone else at speaking Chinese. They know that "How are you?" can't be answered simply. It can't be boiled down to 2 words.
Great relationships take time to build. So though I reminisce about the deep friendships I left behind, I need to keep in mind the fact that it was almost a full year before those friendships were born. But like Tom Petty said, "The waiting is the hardest part."
"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?"
William Shakespeare
5 comments:
Yea Katie! I've been missing your blogs and comments. I understand what you mean about the "How are you doings" because I am my Dad's daughter. Ask him and he'll say, I'm better, or I just got out of jail, or something silly just to see the reactions. Keeps me on my toes, but I gotta say I'd rather not be punched in the sides with someones elbows! Pam T.
I visited my folks this last weekend, and we were talking about a big difference between small towns and cities. Where they live, everyone is pretty friendly (like most places in the south). Because you see relatively fewer people, you say hi strangers and whomever else. But in cities, because you are around people all the time, you don't. It seems that cities make people "crusty" and not as friendly at first, but after you get past the shell, they warm up.
But the issues of commitment and time are definitely quite different I think. We as Americans are much slower to commit to anything. Time and "busy-ness" I think will always be a challenge.
You're right about the waiting... it stinks.
There certainly are big cultural differences between the USA and China. I never spent the amount of continuous time in China you did and I don't speak their language, which would make a big difference in the level of involvement. But I think you're being a bit unfair regarding the apparent superficiality of Americans. Yes, we typically engage in meaningless interactions, asking each other the question "How are you doin'?" or some variant, without really wanting to know the answer, or at least not in detail. It's just a greeting, despite its appearances.
I hear the same casual question asked routinely in European greetings, as well, with identical intent. But I think Americans, especially outside of big cities, are truly open to making friends of strangers. And of course, the depth of that friendship can grow with time, from small beginnings into something profound if friendship is reciprocated. In this, I think all humans are more or less the same.
I disagree, Chuck. We really have a shallowness problem.
Relationships go as deep as the time and interest you are willing to put into them, whereever you are.
Mom
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