在火车里面

...The continuing saga of the Fenghuang tales...

It grew as a storm grows--the sound we heard--gathering steam from the atmosphere, rumbling warningly of the thunder to come.  We could tell from the man's belligerent attitude he wasn't going to let this one blow over.  I tore my eyes away from my book to watch the coming wrath.

He sat on the once empty seat as if he owned it.  His right to sit on this train was as unquestionable as my neighbor's right to blow cigarette smoke in my direction.  No one would dare defy them.  His contempt for the train employee dripped from his words.  I couldn't understand much of what he said but tone-of-voice seems to bind all of humanity together with a common language at last.  His was as clear and sharp bold of lightening--the spark needed to set off thunder.

 When the thunder came it was sudden and it was deafening.  Three train employees yelling at the same time, with the man who refused to buy a ticket trying to top them all with his own voice.  The clash was enough to interest everyone in the car, and the next two cars besides.  I edged away from him in an attempt at neutrality but being in an adjacent seat didn't give me much escape room.

The voices escalated to such an extent that I was certain fists were going to fly.  One employee reached down to encourage the man to get up and his hand was brutally slapped away.  That was all that was needed to start the shoving.  The three train employees physically lifted the man to his feet and began pushing him toward the exit.  He resisted with all his might but was forced inexorably on.  As he passed the whole car erupted into applause at his forced exit.

As I leaned back in my seat to resume reading a horrid smell washed over me.  I'm no stranger to stinky bathrooms but some are hard for even the strongest stomach to bear.  Every time the train came to a stop the smell flooded the compartment.  It's a thick, sticky smell that doesn't flow by, it settles, covering you in stench like a blanket, defiling your whole body.

Then the guy in front of us started smoking and for the first time in my life I was grateful.  And I wanted to praise him and ask him to keep smoking.  And maybe light a cigarette and hold it under my nose for the blessed relief of its fragrance.

"The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it."
-G.K. Chesterton

虽无人愿意我还要跟随

I fell in love with China in the spring.  I was crazy about this country well before then but the blooming flowers that litter the side of the road, and pineapple-on-a-stick sealed the deal.  Spring is when I first felt confident about my Chinese abilities and my friendships deepened enough to remain in my heart forever.

It's spring again, which means lots of showers.  Showers every morning and showers every afternoon, and a few in between.  The rain feels endless but I'm thankful the cold has departed.  Gone are the extra blankets, they've been replaced by a fan and a wide-open window.  I'm seeing less winter coats and more bare bellies as Chinese men walk around with their shirts half up, exhibiting their well-fed middle.

It's been a long year; a good year in many ways, but long nonetheless.  I've had dry spells where I felt entirely empty.  Though there's been encouragement from wonderful people that helped me along the way.  The winter is the hardest to get through.  It feels like I've been in China forever, without end in sight during the winter.  The months stretch before me as far as I can see.

Suddenly I'm nearing the end of my time.  I feel like I'm about to cross the finish line and I don't remember running the middle of the marathon.  Surely there's been a mistake.  I've only run the first 5 or 6 miles.

During this year I've been plagued by doubts—doubts about why I'm here, and what I really trust in.  I've questioned the reason I'm in China.  I've doubted the sanitation of street food, and the reason for the existence of the world, and everything in between.  At times it was terrifying.

As I type, I feel my doubts fade away like the cold weather.  Sure, they'll return, but I'll have the memory of the warmth of summer to keep them at bay.  You see, tonight two girls made the biggest decision of their lives.  The confessed that they know one who is powerful and they trust him to take away all their past mistakes.  They demonstrated that trust by being washed clean in the waters of sacrifice.

It was the spark I needed to rekindle the fire in my soul.  The ember was barely glowing but a fresh wind has it warmly blazing once more.

The echoes of our celebration song are still playing in my head.  "Though none go with me, still I will follow…"

我第二次来凤凰玩儿

The neon light was shining like the star over Bethlehem.  The Yin Pin Lou Bing Guan was going to be our saving grace.  We had followed it from the East and were prepared to bring gifts of great worth.  I was as wet as I could be when I entered the346^th (ish), and hopefully last, hotel to ask if they had any vacancies.  The drops fell heavily outside; the air was thick with their ­­­­menace.  It was either this hotel or a sleepless night on the street.  We'd already been rejected by most of the hotels in Fenghuang because, well, great minds run on the same track.  Evidently our unquestionably ingenious idea to spend the weekend in a touristy town was shared by everyone within a 3-province radius.  I made a small note to myself to stay home for the tomb-sweeping festival in the future—which will be easy to follow through on since I will be in a place where no-one knows what tomb-sweeping day is.

The woman working at the desk diligently ignored me until I turned on my inner Chinese person and claimed her attention.  Gone was the polite foreigner standing around waiting to be helped.  She'd been replaced by a demanding and aggressive customer.  To my delight the manager told me she had a room downstairs and even offered a reasonable price (so I thought before I saw the room).  Rejoicing about having a bed, we descended ever lower into a cavernous basement, filled with broken furniture and spider webs and I'm sure a few friendly ghosts.  I tried not to let the stink of the toilets choke me as I entered the black hole that was to become our room.  Water spurted up from the floor tiles as I stepped on them but the bed looked clean and inviting.  I turned to thank the boss and ask her for our key.

"Key?  We'll watch your stuff, no problem."

"No, I really need a key.  We want to lock our room."

"Why?  I'll watch it.  You don't need a key."

"Really I do…pretty please with sugar on top?" (well I can translate that phrase into Chinese but I'm not sure anyone understands it).

"Ugh.  Fine.  I'll bring you your key."

She returned to the burrow we'd claimed with our key and the promise of a new and less-flooded room the next night.  Satisfied, I jumped under the covers and faded away to the land where hotel rooms do not smell like urine and I can occasionally fly.  Throughout the night I was aware of a dripping sound, but since the entire floor was enveloped with water I assumed it was a normal occurrence and not worth my attention.  Until.  I woke before seven with the realization that my left side was sopping wet and getting wetter.  The drips landed close enough to my head to jar me awake one by one.

Robbed of the option of sleeping, I ventured out to shop and explore.  The sky was dull and flat like all the life had been taken out of it, but the rays of the blooming youcai beamed up from the ground as though light is supposed to come from below in this place where everything seems upside down.

I stumbled on a café overlooking the river and spent the next part of the day bonding with a latte and a heaven-sent book.  It was almost too good for words.  (almost—because a word-lover like me could never fully commit to that sentence).  After the 9 hours worth of hungry-to-the-point-of-almost-passing-out, spitting, smoking, smashed up against people train ride to get here, the moment crystallized in my mind as near perfection.  I appreciated the coffee and book so much more because of the hours spent uncomfortably leading up to that oasis.  I wonder if sometimes we need to experience things we hate in order to be grateful for the blessings.

Later that evening, when I returned to the hotel to inquire about the new room we'd been promised I was met by a shrewd and argumentative manager.  Her eyes shifted from left to right and back again as she struggled to make up excuses for why we couldn't move after all.  She was trying to condemn us to the flooded stink hole again and I regretted, not for the first time, my too trusting nature.  First she told us she'd tell us if there was room.  Then she said there wouldn't be room and I asked for my money back—I'm slowly improving my manipulation skills these days.  Then she agreed to find us a room and we followed her up the stairs.  She said our new room would be on the fourth floor, which was only a half-lie.

Balanced in the doorway to the 4^th floor rooms was a shifty ladder leading up to a cubby.  Built into the ceiling, our new room was the exact opposite of our former underground dwelling.  The ladder completely blocked entrance into the rest of the hall and rocked when we climbed it, but it led to a room I could breathe deeply in and a dry floor and bed.  I closed my eyes and thanked the cloud-covered stars for those small blessings.

"I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine."
-Caskie Stinnett

我的小白菜有甲虫

I started a new diet today.  It's called Not Eating.  I'd like to thank the cook at 老地方 for propelling me towards this new goal.  Without the little gift in my lunch bowl I might not have ever started on my way towards skinniness.

"Dieting:  A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer."

-Jan Murray

前不久，我家乡遭受了龙卷风的狂烈袭击，损失很严重

There are three ways to get on my black list—which is not a pleasant place to be.  An easy and automatic jump to the top of the list comes from waking me up from a sound sleep.  There is only one exception:  my sister has the right to text me night or day, whenever she so chooses.  So when I woke up at 6:30am to the evil sound of my cell phone my first instinct was blind rage.  Then I saw that the message was from Sammie, "There are tornados on the ground.  Woo hoo."  I wrote her back and asked where she was, to which she responded with a picture of her with Hitomi and Reiko (two of my best friends).  I don't know if she was trying to make me jealous or reassure me that she was okay.  Since tornadoes and Oklahoma go together like eggs and tomatoes I wasn't worried enough to stay awake.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed later that morning I read the news and saw that my hometown, Norman, got pretty torn up.  The tornado crossed the highway about a mile from where my parents live right now, leaving 5 dead and destroying lots of trees and houses.  I called my parents and they said they were fine, and nothing had been damaged at our house.  It's tornado season back home, which means that the sky regularly turns that sick, greenish color and everything gets really still in late afternoon.  By evening the lightening is gearing up for a grand show and the rain pours forth out of pent up frustration.  Soon sirens are going off and all the regular TV shows have been postponed due to continuous weather updates.  It's such a common occurrence that the typical response is to go outside and try to spot the funnel (I didn't say Oklahomans were particularly bright).  Call me crazy but I miss the intensity of those storms.  It's a lot more fun than an all-day drizzle.

Today I was taking a nap after my 8 o'clock class when I was awoken by another text from my sister.  Grumbling that she was starting to push the limits of her anger-immunity I noticed that this one was a little more urgent.  My parents have been trying to build a house just outside of town for a few years now.  We have a storage shed on the land, where I've been storing all the things I didn't sell or give away when I moved to China.  The good news is, if I've lived without it for two years, chances are I'll be just fine without it for the rest of my life.  The bad news is I'm going to have to be.   The storage shed is now upside down and across the land.  All the trees are on the ground, except for the one across my dad's truck.  I don't know yet if anything can be rescued from the shed but I'm mostly grateful my parents hadn't yet moved out there.

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all.  But what I placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
-Martin Luther

应该是找个工作但是我不要

I'm looking for jobs right now.

Or am I writing a blog post instead?  I'm sure that somehow this relates to looking for a job.

The problem (one of many) is:  I love my job right now.  A classroom has never held students as wonderful as mine.  I have plenty of time to read and write to my heart's content.  I get to study another language, which has always been one of my life's goals.  I get to know and love Chinese people and culture.  And I get to talk with them about some things I think are important to life.

Last night I went to a house on campus where a group of students meet every night to eat dinner together and fellowship.  I saw a living example of the kind of brotherly love and fellowship our friend Luke described about 2000 years ago.  When I walked in I saw a mouth-watering display of dishes spread out on the table and a group of smiling brothers and sisters waiting to make my day.  We stuffed ourselves then sang our hearts out.  I learned more Chinese in the few nights I've spent eating with that delightful group than in my many hours spent studying alone and I struggled to keep up with their conversation.  I reveled in the joy of the moment and wondered how I could leave this place I love so much.

My mind flashes back nine months to Sydney, Australia.   Standing at the entrance to security in the Sydney Airport, I didn't think I had the courage to walk through those doors.  I couldn't face the thought of leaving my sister behind and going back to China alone.  I'll never know how I managed to make my legs work against my every desire.

Then I travel even farther back--ten months to Norman, Oklahoma.  The prospect of leaving my family and friends again seemed like the worst idea I'd ever had.  I dreaded leaving behind the comfort of their arms.  How could I ever have thought of leaving home again?  Not a particle in me wanted to be back in China after the summer.  I couldn't imagine making it through another year like the one before.

I find it slightly ironic that now I'm having trouble convincing myself that I'll be happy away from China.  It has taken hold of my heart in ways I never dreamed of.  But I'm reminded of how much I wanted to stay in other places when leaving turned out to be the biggest blessing.  Every time I've dragged my feet and dreaded the change I've been proven wrong.  Here's hoping that will be true in the future.

 

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered"
-Nelson Mandela

我真不喜欢我中国朋友的音乐

I just spent the last hour listening to music videos of Avril Lavigne (Did I spell that right?  Actually, nevermind…I don't care) and Taylor Swift, accompanied by exuberant singing—at top volume—from the folks in my living room.  It was one of the most profitable hours I've ever spent.  With lyrics as brilliant as, "Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your girlfriend.  No way, now way, I think you need a new one.  Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend" how could you go wrong?  Just imagine the amount of time she must have spent writing such life-altering rhymes!  Or maybe someone did the writing for her; I'm not sure who deserves the credit.

Good taste ought to be recognized.  It's important to know quality when you see it.  If you can't  recognize that something is praiseworthy, you can't begin to create something to be proud of.  That's why I'm in such awe of the popular music around these parts.  Every week during English Village—those blessed two hours I get to spend surrounded by students who quiver in fear as they attempt to ask me questions—I also get to listen to Backstreet Boys.  I'm so glad I didn't get enough of their music when I was in middle school.  It would be such a shame if I were sick of it ten years ago since I get to jam out to it so often these days.

And just a few weeks ago I was asked to judge an English-speaking competition.  Imagine my delight when there was a singing section to the contest!  I got to hear the following line-up:

1. Because of You by Kelly Clarkson (I think)
2. Big Big World
3. Take Me To Your Heart by …I have no idea
4. Take Me To Your Heart
5. Big Big World
6. Take Me Home Country Roads
7. Because of You
8. …well you've pretty much got the idea

"I'm a big, big girl in a big, big world; it's not a big, big thing if you leave me.  But I do, do feel that I too, too will miss you much.  Miss you much."
-Clearly one of the world's great lyricists